This is a true story, I am an inveterate people watcher and some might say I am a magnet for all people and things strange and bizarre. I will not argue one way or the other; I only know I often find humor in the strangest places.
Everyone has a “holiday” tale, although perhaps not like this one. It’s unique, much like me I think. It's the time of year when we begin to get warm fuzzy thoughts about what the holidays will be like...
Wal- Mart, Waynesboro GA , the “Bird Dog Capital of the World.” It is what the water tower says as you drive into the village and there is a silhouette of a bird dog on the tower! It is the only Wal-Mart I have ever been in that has an entire section of its greeting card department devoted to You might be a Redneck if… It was about 8 pm, my daughter and I were perusing the aisles of the Wal-Mart while waiting on the arrival of my son to come and spend the Thanksgiving holiday with his mother.
Suddenly in my peripheral vision comes a sight… WE have all seen folks like her. (well hopefully some of us have been fortunate enough to miss this sort of encounter) She was morbidly obese. Now at this point I must comment on weight. I am no puny little thing myself and I usually refrain from commenting on people’s size, but her overwhelming bounty is vital to the picture. I know women who are very full figured or plus sized, they are beautiful, always dressed stylishly, look and smell good, but this woman was not one of them. She was seated on a scooter; one of those the store provides for its handicapped patrons. She was wearing those very ugly gray cotton knit pants that are not attractive on anyone. Hers were at least 3 sizes too small. Every bump, bulge and bit of cellulite displayed in magnificence. A Lime green t-shirt, it too at least 3 sizes too small; almost covered her immensely protruding belly that looked much like a beached whale… Her hair, can I just say it was a red color that has never been found in nature, Bold, startling in its vivid hue and in dips and whirls all over her head. No apparent style in mind. Her manner and appearance were guaranteed to bring the eye and hold it.
Suddenly her voice. Loud shrill and with that distinctive, although I hesitate to say “southern” drawl. I have a drawl, mine is soft and pleasant on the ears; most southerners have a drawl that is similar, hers was Not!!!!
“Ahmm ova heahe!! No, not theah, tuhn leafttt, not riahht.”
Are you getting the picture? Coming towards her is a friend. Their conversation begins when they are at least 50 yards from each other. It was like old home week, they were whooping and hollering, shouting at each other about children, husbands, ex husbands and a “Girlfriend” Hmm, very fascinating to watch. I am sure that at this point my daughter and I both had that deer caught in the headlight look. That same look you get when you come upon a wreck or some other gruesome sight; you want to look away, you really do but YOU JUST CAN”T. This was the case with us.
“Ahmm ova heahe!! No, not theah, tuhn leafttt, not riahht.”
Are you getting the picture? Coming towards her is a friend. Their conversation begins when they are at least 50 yards from each other. It was like old home week, they were whooping and hollering, shouting at each other about children, husbands, ex husbands and a “Girlfriend” Hmm, very fascinating to watch. I am sure that at this point my daughter and I both had that deer caught in the headlight look. That same look you get when you come upon a wreck or some other gruesome sight; you want to look away, you really do but YOU JUST CAN”T. This was the case with us.
The conversation continued something like this.
“Whaat Ya’ll doing for Turkey Daay?”
She asked her friend.
Said the friend walking towards her.
“Whaat Ya’ll doing for Turkey Daay?”
She asked her friend.
Said the friend walking towards her.
“Well, ya know my health ain’t been the best this yeahr!’
The scooter redhead replied in detail....
Unn huh! Mine neither. Me and Roy both been down in our backs, he aint’ worked in the past couple weeks. Th’ doctor told me I needs to get up and do more, but I just ain’ able, You know I cooks for the entiiire family ever year but this year I just ain’’ able. So you know what I did, I done called and placed my order for Thanksgiving dinner, yep, I did, I called ARBY”S. Roy ’s picking it up tomorrow. “
The scooter redhead replied in detail....
Unn huh! Mine neither. Me and Roy both been down in our backs, he aint’ worked in the past couple weeks. Th’ doctor told me I needs to get up and do more, but I just ain’ able, You know I cooks for the entiiire family ever year but this year I just ain’’ able. So you know what I did, I done called and placed my order for Thanksgiving dinner, yep, I did, I called ARBY”S. Roy ’s picking it up tomorrow. “
At this point, I am visibly shaking with emotion, so is my daughter, we lunge down the next aisle, Finally the hysterical laughter escapes, we are both crying from the seemingly endless giggles, guffaws and snorts that just roll out.
Thanksgiving Dinner! AT Arbys! Who knew they did Thanksgiving dinner? Do you want curly fries with that? Or Arby’s special “horsey” radish sauce????
You might be a redneck if… You order your thanksgiving meal from the local Arby’s fast food restaurant.
As I often say -"Southern truth is ALWAYS stranger than fiction!"
No comments:
Post a Comment