Life and Fear

It’s the half way mark in my first semester BACK in school...I’ve made it this far.  I’ve eased myself back into the academic world, I’m only taking two courses this semester with plans to take MORE hours next semester. I wasn’t sure how I would adapt to school after being away for for so many years. I worried that I might not be able to “keep up" with young, quick and very bright minds.  Working 36 hours straight through each weekend is quite taxing and I wondered if I could do that and then drive two hours to Spartanburg, sleep in a friends guest room two nights each week and then drive back to do the work thing again. 

I am managing all of the above. And much better than I expected. I am VERY tired each Sunday night when I get home from the hospital, but I’m good to go each Monday morning. Excited and filled with joyful expectation of what the week will bring.  

I can’t truly voice how excited and determined I am to complete this adventure.I’m having FUN!  I’m learning new things and practicing skills I’ve allowed to get rusty over the years.

Fear is another presence in my day. It was  a constant companion of mine for most of my adult life. It eventually controlled my world. I was afraid of disappointing others. Of being seen as less than a perfect wife and mother. Of BEING less than a perfect wife and mother. When the wife part failed and I was left a single mother with two children, fear that I would lose our home and not be able to provide for them occupied most of my waking hours and a good bit of my sleep. I was afraid I couldn’t work, and still be a good mother to my children.  My children managed and I was able to work and take care of what they needed. Fear still howled in my ear.  

Living with fear all the time was grueling and exhausting. I decided to take back my life from the monster.  Bit by bit I’ve done that. As President Franklin D. Roosevelt said in his first inagural speech and a lesson I’ve learned “the only thing to fear is fear itself”  My children are adults now and living productive responsible lives. I have a good job that is secure in these difficult times. Somewhere over the past few years the fear became about what I have missed and might never have, simply because I was afraid to try.  I realized if I could face and deal with the obstacles of life as I knew it then I could do almost anything I wanted. What I wanted was the education I never completed. I wanted an environment where I could learn and feel safe. A place that would encourage and promote my  love of learning. I’ve found such a place at Converse College.  

I’ve learned that being too afraid to attempt  something new or different is much more oppresive and constraining than the fear of  actually trying something new. The goals I want in life might change due to my new adventure but that is not failure. Never attempting something because I am  controlled by fear is the failure.  

I have promised myself to never do that again.